30 Second Review!
BY NOW WE ALL KNOW what to expect; fast cars, impossible stunts, massive collateral damage and zero injuries. There is nowhere else for this franchise to go except more outrageous plotlines and further defying every law of reality known to mankind. Ohhh but wait…
THIS MOVIE WAS Painful to watch.
I’m talking ‘Hobbes and Shaw‘ – painful. I had this entire review ready to list all the many (MANY) examples of sheer insanity, but then I thought, “Why bother? This IS fictional action and, who really GAF what I think?” By now Dominic Torretto has defied every law of physical reality SO MUCH you just turn your brain off to try and enjoy the movie.
The ‘Fast’ saga started off 20 years ago as street racing culture but it is now a live-action cartoon. Dominic -and everyone else within his immediate circle – is basically indestructible. Falling from cliffs, launching from cars over 80mph, buildings fall on them, Bullets fly around them. Shrapnel bouncing off of them, getting hit with monkey wrenches and various large steel objects, falling from hi-rise buildings, multiple bone-crunching fist fights, running and driving through brick walls and concrete… at this point none of that matters.
The Fast crew are G.I. Joes trotting around the globe with a Black Card Passport having total carte blanche while driving cars extremely fast to save the day. At this point its so mind-numbingly surreal that one of the characters actually SAYS IT 😐
“Hey man. You ever notice how we do impossible missions and never get hurt? Not even a scratch?!”
I should have walked out right there (chance #1). Within the next 15 minutes, Dom and Leti (the most awkwardly non-romantic couple in cinematic history) drive off a cliff, snag his muscle car onto a rope bridge, swings across a canyon and lands on the other side – unscathed, white t-shirt not even dirty. This was bad enough but… I decided to muscle my way through it (chance #2) all the way to the end.
And then they blasted a car into space.
Mind you, Elon Musk also sent a car into space IRL, so the idea of a CAR IN SPACE really isn’t too outlandish. But F9 literally duct-tapes their space mission and I really should have got up and walk out right there (chance #3). Never mind the dozens of NSA, FAA, and Aerospace laws broken in the process. No – what really bothered ME is that they referred to it as ‘outer space’.
This $200M project referred to low-Earth orbit, which is still a part of Earth’s atmosphere, as OUTER SPACE…and the fact that THAT little nugget of info annoyed me says it all. I couldn’t help but think of ‘Homeboys in Outer Space‘ . Remember that cringe-worthy UPN spoof that happened back in the 1990s but you wish it didn’t happen? Two dimwitted Black guys from the hood hanging out in space??
Yeah. F9 goes there. And at that point I just felt BAD. Like, really bad in my gut.
This was a NEW low for shitty movie moments. It’s one thing to make a cool action movie. It’s another thing to completely mock science. It bugged me so much that at that EXACT MOMENT my original rating of 2 1/2 stars sank to ONE star. And that ONE star is only for the ONE bright spot of this entire cacophony of ludicrous* – the two new actors who played Young Dominic and his brother (John Cena).
‘Furious 9‘ is going to make a ton of money. People pay to see beautiful actors, bulging muscles, awesome vehicles, exotic locales and sheer audacity. Don’t expect anything else of redeeming quality. You will get what you pay for. ‘
(out of 5 Stars)
*I just really wanted to use the word ‘cacophony’. Also, Ludacris pun 🙂