2CBG Movie Review: Ahoy matey! ‘Pirates 5’ Sails to #1 at Box Office!

(“You can only tell a story so many different ways, but when a franchise generates $4 BILLION  – can we say ‘cash cow’?”)

30-Second Review:

Surprisingly this movie didn’t suck! 😀

Pirates 5‘ brings back all the elements we love most: rowdy pirates, madcap misadventures, impressive special FX and a hilarious (and drunken) Jack Sparrow! Javier Bardem as Captain Salazar makes a very sinister villain! 


Full Review:

As much as I love the Pirates of the Caribbean series I gotta admit I wasn’t TOO thrilled to see this one…

Mainly because I wasn’t sure how they could follow Part 4 -aka- ‘On Stranger Tides’. , I didn’t care that Jack Sparrow was chasing after the Fountain of Youth. But I DID care about the ravishing Penelope Cruz


I would pay to watch Penelope Cruz do NOTHING but be Penelope Cruz 🙂

but I digress…

This is ‘Pirates V: Dead Men Tell No Tales’!

This time around, jack Sparrow’s past comes back to haunt him (literally) and gives us a great new villain – Javier Bardem’s creepy Captain Salazar!


Captain Salazar wants revenge and does some nasty things to get his vengeance. The rest of the plot is uncomplicated and rather straightforward. Pirates plunder and supernatural bad guys chase Jack Sparrow. Nothing really ‘deep’ here. Pun intended 😛

After all, This IS the 5th go round. Johnny Depp is sleepwalking through this role and cashing checks. You can only tell a story so many different ways. But when a franchise generates $4 Billion, can you say ‘cash cow’? 😛 

By now Jack Sparrow has broken curses, defeated the Kraken, survived killer mermaids, cheated death multiple times, freed a sea witch, traveled literally to the end of the world, took on the British Empire AND the Dutch Trading Company – and manage to finagle and bargain his way out of every possible situation. There’s not much left for poor Jack to do.

In fact, he seems rather okay with this….


So long as there is plenty of Rum. 🙂

Sparrow’s drunk charm and flirty innuendos can only carry a movie so far. Thankfully, the supporting cast gives us something else to care about.

The rest of the plot features my FAVORITE ‘Pirates’ character Captain Barbosa (the impeccable Geoffrey Rush) who is dragged into Sparrow’s latest troubles. 

Also, two newcomers – Henry Turner, son of Will Turner (Orlando Bloom), trying to free his father from the Flying Dutchman curse, and female lead Carina Smythe, a heroine of sorts stuck in a pre-feminist era. She is an astronomer convicted to death, and the key to finding Poseidon’s TRIDENT. Yes, you read that right. Things get mythological!


Speaking of mythology, the ending is on some old school Ten Commandments shit! That was the best part of the movie and they should have extended this scene 🙂

Once the movie ends, take time to  check all the messages, snaps, and ‘likes’ on your phone and sit through the credits. The post-credit scene gives us a hint at an inevitable Part VI,

Just TYPING that last part has me shaking my head….lol 😛

I give it 3/5 stars

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