yeah yeah, i know. how many times are you gonna read someone’s top ten list that has one of the movies YOU actually liked and disagreed with it being on there? well, here’s another one for YOU!!!!! the following are in no particular order:
1. Mario Bros. – honestly, why did the higher ups at Nintendo let this happen? i know Bob Hoskins had a good run with Who Framed Roger Rabbit?, and John Legui-Legs and-Leg of Nano playing Luigi? DUDE, WTF?!!!!! seriously, they weren’t even trying. i watched the movie twice. 4 hours of my life i’ll never get back…………………
2. the punisher- i’m not really sure if i even need to justify why this was a terrible movie. what the FUCK is Dolph staring at? this poster doesn’t strike fear in anyone! this was one of those movies Marvel should’ve just waited to make. waited for a better actor. another 2 hours gone. thanks, Sweden!!!
3. Masters of the Universe- my god, they did it again! took a perfectly good children’s program and tried to make a live action flick out of it. and failed miserably! where was Battlecat? not in this one. this one was just begging to be made, huh? couldn’t find any other scrap scripts laying around to bring about on the big screen? but you did give us courtney cox. so thanks. but she couldn’t save me from two hours of edited re-takes and a skeletor who had a face UNDERNEATH the skull!!!! 4 more hours lost!!
4. Ghost Rider- cool special effects, a non-nude eva mendes, and nicholas cage not even trying couldn’t save this one. what, did you think i was gonna keep it in the 80’s? this one’s on the block. now, Marvel came through with the budget on the special effects. but a ghost rider movie shouldn’t even have day scenes. and you had the AUDACITY to put Sam Elliot in this one? ghost riders’ one of my favorites, so i took this to heart. Nick, why? was the check really that important? couldn’t you have gave this one to an up-and-comer? 2 hours and 8 bucks, gone.
5. Hulk- listen Marvel, i’ve given you plenty of my money in the past. i preferred your comics over DC’s, i stood by you when Image gained popularity, so i feel like when you bring a character like Hulk to the big screen, i’m gonna get my money’s worth. this didn’t happen. again, you dragged Sam Elliot down with this garbage. now granted, Jennifer Connelly was beautiful. she didn’t have enough screen time to have a memorable appearance, though. Eric Bana? uh, i’ll stick to watching Black Hawk Down, thanks. you did make up with the second one, though. so i appreciate that. another 2 hours disappeared.
6. Resident Evil: Extinction- do i need to go there? all you had to do was follow the effin story of the game!! you kept most of the actors for the trilogy. nice. a rare feat accomplished in these times. but the story went waaaaaaaaaaaaay left on this one. where were you going with this? there’s no individuality in trilogies. did you see blade 3? hey, don’t destroy milla jovovichs’ career. i’ll go back to watching the 5th element just to keep her resume pure in my mind…….i lost 1-1/2 hours on this one…….can’t remember how it ended.
7. Doom- where do i start? don’t watch this movie. EVER!!!!! i actually want a refund of my time back for watching this long ass, boring ass 2 hour piece of shit. don’t.watch.it.EVER!!!!!!
8. House of the dead- lemme tell you all, i literally had to watch 3 movies on top of this one to wash the stain of horrible film-making out of my head. have you ever seen a movie so bad the Popcorn tasted bad, your Coke went flat, and your Buncha Crunch melted? that’s this movie. i really can’t remember it. here’s what i do remember: i bought it, and 1 hour later, i put something else in. i would rather watch mice fuck than this again.
9. Street Fighter/Double Dragon/DOA-for the love of God, these three had be placed at no. 9 together. they all sucked, and they set martial arts movies back about 10 years. if video game developers have visions of making their creations into major motion pictures, they need to set aside profits from the sales of the actual games and pool that money into getting a solid writing team, credible producers, and a director who is noteworthy. i can’t even break them down individually. i can sum it up like this: van damme, WHY? at the top of your game, too! why was the guy from party of five cast to play a martial artist with no background in martial arts? 3 months of lessons doesn’t make you a black belt, you know. and sexy half naked ladies can’t equal dollar bills, no matter how perverted the customer is. today’s average customer is smarter than you. they download and then decide!! and the real life girls are supposed to be stacked like their 2 dimensional counter-parts!!!! that’s where you went wrong!
10. Catwoman- DC, did you really think i was gonna let you off the hook for this one? you took an actress who won an OSCAR, put her in slutty clothes, directed her poorly, edited this crap, and threw it out for the masses? hey, who thought Sharon Stone was gonna make a comeback performing in this one? not me!!!! i can’t even talk about it anymore. you almost made me not love halle anymore!!!!
you know what, hollywood? no, you know what, directors and producers? the absolute next time you get a wild hair up your ass about bringing video games and comic books to life on the big screen, go big or don’t do it at all. all in all, i think i’ve lost a grand total of only GOD KNOWS HOW MANY hours to these “adaptations”. but the cool thing is: i’ve learned to utilize the internet to check part of the movie out BEFORE i give you anymore of my money.
friday, watching superman returns!